Forgetting Queen Susan
by Keketra
Summary: Susan tries to explain why she forgot
1. Susan

Forgetting Queen Susan

**Disclaimer: All characters belong to C.S. Lewis and his grandson ( I think?). I'm just borrowing them for a while.**

**A/N: Okay, apologies for not updating my Lost stories – but right now my laptop is in for repairs, and I won't get it back for another week (all my work/fanfiction is on there) I promise I will update as soon as it's returned to me! Meanwhile I decided to try something a little different.**

I never forgot Narnia. Not really – not like the others seem to think I have. How could I ever forget such a land, honestly? I admit I tried, though. I tried harder than you could possibly understand or know. I would watch them swapping stories and memories of Narnia – envying them for their carefree ways. When they turned to me, perhaps to ask me to fill in the blanks on a moment that we had all shared, I simply pretended to be either lost in some book or to be deep in thought, so Peter would eventually tire of asking me and leave me be.

After a while, they stopped mentioning Narnia altogether, cutting me out of their conversations, only to leave small reminders – subtle hints – probably in the hope that it would trigger something buried deep within me. Lucy would hum a Narnian lullaby whenever she passed my room, Edmund left an archery competition form on the table, and Peter brought me a necklace with a lion's head on the chain for my twentieth. I have never worn the necklace – it lies locked in its box in my drawer, and Peter has long since stopped requesting I wear it. I did, however, enter the archery competition and went away with first prize. Lucy was almost bouncing with happiness; sure I'd 'reclaimed' myself and was 'ready to believe in Narnia' once again. I saw how her face fell when she watched me putting the trophy in the back of my cupboard – out of sight.

They still try sometimes to bring me into their conversations, but I can tell that they are giving up. I'm glad. I can put my memories aside and concentrate on living _this_ life, not the life of 'Queen Susan the Gentle'. Why should my heart and soul be in a separate world than this one? I have seen Peter's face when he thinks of Narnia – sometimes it takes an hour or more to get him out of his trance – and that is if Edward or Lucy calls him 'King Peter'.

I will _not_ be him – living in one world while dreaming of another. Dreams only die anyway, so why hold onto something I know can never be again? Narnia is long lost, and so am I. So here you have it, the ramblings of a self-denounced Queen. Maybe now you understand and maybe now I may sleep a little easier.

**A/N: Okay, what did you think? I don't know whether to keep this as a one-shot or to turn it into a four part story, possibly a six, telling it from each of the children's view, and maybe their parents too. Let me know what you think. Or is it God-awful and I should just give up? Lol. R&R!**


	2. Peter

**Forgetting Queen Susan**

**Disclaimer: All Characters belong to the C.S. Lewis estate. I'm just borrowing them.**

**A/N: Thanks to everyone who reviewed; I really do appreciate your views: D. I'm not sure if Peter's part is slightly rambling or not, please let me know and I'll change it. And, as always, review, review, review! **

**Peter**

She thinks I'm insane. She never says it but she doesn't have to. I can see it in her eyes every time she looks at me. I can see the pity in her gaze and it makes me feel sick. Where did the loving sister I used to know go? The one who rightly and justly deserved the title given to her by our sire; Aslan the Lion. What happened to her?

Queen Susan the Gentle. I miss her; I miss the sister I could have shared just about anything with. I missed the person she was when we ruled, the confidence that radiated from her, without being over-powering. Now all she shows me is that one emotion she knows I detest the most. Pity. She knows I hate it, everything it stands for makes me loathe her for feeling it towards me, though I suppose I should be grateful that she still feels something at least.

Queen Susan the Gentle. Hah! Oh, Aslan, if you could see her now, then you might reconsider the title you gave her. Mind you, _I_ hardly deserve mine. But let's not go into that now.

Where is my sister? Who is this bitter stranger in her stead? I want back the woman who had suitors from all over the world clamouring for her affections. Be gone, painted queen who has replaced the sister whom I went to for council.

Tank God for Edmund and Lucy, for without them I would have lost my sanity long ago – either that or I would have found myself doubting my own memories. I have tried to remind Susan who she is and was – I have left subtle hints for her, but either they are too subtle for her to notice or (more likely) she is simply ignoring everything and anything Narnian.

I'd hoped Edmund's suggestion that she enter an archery competition would strike a spark in her. It certainly seemed to be the case when she actually entered and took first place, but all hopes of remembrance were quickly dashed when Lucy told me Susan had locked away the trophy. The news saddened me – was she hoping to lock away that part of herself as well? Up till now there had been slim hopes of Susan – the _real_ Susan – returning to us; but not now – no message had ever been clearer, least not in my mind.

There is no escaping it: - Queen Susan the Gentle was well and truly gone. Perhaps it's time I accepted it, and made Lucy and Ed do the same. Maybe Susan is happy repressing her past – maybe it helps her deal with the anger I know we all feel being expelled from Narnia, by having to 'grow up' once more – even if we're all wiser for it - … and if that is the case then she is much stronger than I could ever be, for if it were me in her place I would be dying inside.


	3. Edmund

**Forgetting Queen Susan**

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Narnia, but I'd like to get IN it. It all belongs to the C.S. Lewis estate...

**A/N: **Okay, apologies for taking so long to put this chapter up. I've had major computer problems first with my laptop, then with the University computers, and on top of that, a mountain of work that seems to be getting bigger instead of smaller. But finally, here is the chapter. I'm just sorry its so damn short :( **  
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**Edmund**

Sometimes I can forgive her, almost, for the pain she causes us in her denial. Denial I could understand, after all, wasn't I once in denial when Lucy had told me who the White Witch really was? Oh yes, I certainly know about denial. But now this is going too far. I can see what Susan doesn't. I can see the pain in Peter's eyes, whenever she yells at him, calling him stupid or a fool for believing in Narnia. I can hear their arguments from outside, sometimes they last for hours. On the particular occasion that they happen, Lucy seems to come running to my room, or finds me wherever I might be.

Things have changed here. A lot. Lucy and I are much closer than we used to be. I stopped teasing her just after I spoke to Aslan for the first time on that Rock. It wasn't that I got bored of it; I just suddenly saw how important family really was, and I could fully appreciate where I would be without my family, after all we'd been through.

And that is why I'll never understand Susan. Susan, who used to be so caring, so… _gentle,_ has now become this hard, cold woman… girl. I don't think I'll ever understand that. After I came so close to losing my family; after I helped the White Witch do all those things, all those terrible things, nothing will ever be more important to me than my family. But Susan seems to think differently.

Oh Susan. How is it that just when I could finally become what you'd always wanted me to be, you gave up? I know sometimes back at Cair Paravel we had arguments (what siblings don't?) but never anything like what we have now. And nothing like what you put Peter through. There was a time when you looked up to him for everything, went to him whenever you needed to talk to. There was a time when _I _despised him, hated him for everything he stood for. Peter was good, too good, I thought for this world. Oh I knew what I was doing when I offered him to the White Witch. I wanted her to taint him with her evil; I wanted him to become as bad as the rest of us. But now the roles have changed. I understand now. Peter doesn't _try_ to be good, he simply is. And he needs to be. It's who he is. And I've come to accept that.

But I can't accept her. Not the way she is now. Miss Prim and Proper, as I call her to her face sometimes. She gets annoyed, and puts on that faked accent "Oh, Edmund, honestly you're so _childish _sometimes," she sneers. I always shake my head and move upstairs. Yes, things have changed. Part of me is glad, but part of me wishes that nothing had changed. Peter, Lucy and Su could cope with me being the brat out of us four, but none of us can cope with _Susan_ being the way she is.

Things change, life goes on. Peter told me once that he'd accepted it, but I know he was lying. How could you accept the fact that one minute, you knew your sister inside out, the next, a perfect stranger was staring you in the face?

**A/N: Okay, what did you think? hate it? love it? I wanted to write this and kept REWRITING it instead... every time I wrote it, Edmund just seemed too prissy or too whinny. And i wanted to get across how much his relationships with his siblings had changed. Did I succeed or should I quit while I'm ahead? Let me know... pretty please? especially if you want me to do a Lucy chapter:P   
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	4. Lucy

**Forgetting Queen Susan**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Narnia, or their characters. I just use them for pure personal enjoyment and entertainment... and to keep my over-active imagination from getting bored. They all belong to C.S Lewis. **

**A/N: Thankyou for all the reviews I got for the last chapter!!!! As I say, I was unsure about Edmund, but you seem to like it, so go me:)   
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Lucy:

What did I do wrong? What could I have done better? Peter says it's nothing that I've done to make our sister the way she is, and I'm sure he blames himself. But it isn't Peter's fault. He can't help it if Susan argues with him on every little thing. He can't change her back to who she was any more than Ed or I can. They're at it again… I can hear them from my own room. I wish they could just agree to disagree, but I know it goes so much deeper than these simplistic arguments they have now. Peter and Susan used to be so close, and now they're as far apart as two siblings could possibly be. I'm half grateful we're no longer in Narnia – but then, if we were, there'd be no reason for them to argue as half as much as they do.

Someone's slammed a door and now its gone quiet. I suppose that means they're done for now. Oh no – Peter's gone into Susan's room. _Peter why can't you just leave it alone?!_ And now she's screaming abuse at him. Peter's close to tears, from the sound of it, and I have to clench my fists and keep writing. There's no way I can go in there, I remember the last time. I think it's the first time I've seen Peter cry since Edmund almost got killed by the Witch. I was so scared and shocked by it all that I backed out of the room and ran to my other brother. Oh and now they're arguing again about some suitor or other. Susan had plenty in Narnia, I don't know why it upsets Pete so, to be perfectly honest. Though I guess at least in Narnia he knew that they were… well, _good _people; and he had the general monopoly of the situation. Here, he can't do anything. I can't listen to any more of this or I'll go in there and cause a scene of my own. I'm going to find Edmund.

He and I – because of Susan and Peter – have grown so much closer, and when our siblings argue, it's nice to be able to remember happier times… like when we were able to laugh and joke with each other without everything being so forced. Like when we were able to tease Peter without him snapping at us… he's wound so tight now that one simple comment is enough to send him off. As for Susan…

Gentle Queen, she was once called. If only Aslan could see her now. I'm sure he'd have something to say about all of this. Susan used to be Peter's consort – the person he'd go to whenever a dilemma struck Narnia. They'd sit talking for hours, debating. Afterwards they'd join us for lunch with happy smiles on their faces; sure they'd done the right thing for the Narnians. I can't imagine that now. I can't see Susan staying in the same _room _as Peter for more than about five minutes without snapping at one of us. Not that Pete's much better. He tries; at least I can give him that. He tries so hard to get on with all of us, but there's always something that stops him. Normally by the name of Susan Pevensie

I miss Narnia. I miss Tumnus, I miss the dryads, nymphs… I miss everything about it. But most of all I miss the way we four once were. Mother and father are so utterly confused by the change in us. I heard mother once tell father she was thinking of putting Peter into a boy's school and Susan into a girl's. I'm sure if Pete and Sue could hear that then they might decide to actually get on with each other. Although Pete's already looking at Universities. It's a scary concept, being separated like this, but maybe it's for the best. After all, anything is better than what we've had to deal with; with him and Sue being the way they are. We had our fair share of tragedy and anger before we left Narnia, but at least we were able to get through it together. Now all that's left of our family is broken shards of a dream that once was.

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**A/N: Okay, so what do you think? Like it, hate it? Please, please review!**


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